Misunderstanding

A newly married couple was walking through a garden suddenly a dog ran towards them.
They both knew it will bite them..
The husband lifted his wife and let the dog bite him than his sweetie.
The dog stopped before them barked for a while and ran backwards.
The husband put his wife down expecting a hug and a few kind words from her.

Then his wife shouted
 " I have seen people throwing stones and sticks at dogs this is the first time I am seeing someone trying to throw his wife at a dog".

Husband...   "?????"

Moral : A Wife is Wife  - No One ELSE Can MIS-UNDERSTAND a Husband Better, than a Wife

How to keep your Spouse Happy?

HIGHLIGHTS OF HOW TO MAKE YOUR WIFE HAPPY

It's really not difficult to make a wife happy.

A husband only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a man
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a charmer
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a bug exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
44. Compassionate

AND, WITHOUT FORGETTING TO: 

45. Give her compliments frequently
46. Love shopping
47. Be honest
48. Be very rich
49. Never stress her
50. Never look at other women!

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. Give her lots of space

AND, VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:

* birthdays
* anniversaries
* her favorite color
* her favorite flower
* her favorite gem
* her favorite fragrance
* her favorite memories
* her favorite holidays
* her favorite friends
* her favorite vacation destinations
* her favorite beverage
* her favorite food
* her favorite restaurant
* any arrangements she makes
--------------------

And Finally,

HOW TO MAKE HUSBAND HAPPY

Just leave him alone.....with his TV remote and mobile phone......And he'll be just fine...

Dedicated to all .....married people

How to use the Drive-in ATM?

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new 'Drive-through' ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'


*******************************

MALE PROCEDURE:


1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.


**************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

Unfortunately, most of this part is the TRUTH!!!!

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3.  Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press CANCEL and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.

Beware!! - Women think of everything.

A husband & wife were always fighting with each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.The man would shout - 'When I die, I will dig my way up, out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life..'

Neighbours feared him and the man liked the fact that he was feared..

To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 58. His wife had a closed casket at the wake..

After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbours, concerned for her safety, asked - 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life??'

The wife put down her drink and said - 'Let him dig. I had him buried upside down..'

These women.. I tell you... They think of everything..

Beware!!

Who pays Alimony

Closing the Divorce and Alimony case of Santa Singh vs Preeto Kaur...

Judge : I have reviewed this case carefully and have decided to give your wife  alimony of Rs 20,000 per month.
Santa: That's very fair & kind of you, your honor. And whenever possible,  I'll also try to give her some money myself!!

Why Bill Gates Resigned

Bill Gates has resigned as the 'Chairman of Microsoft' after receiving a letter from Rajinikanth. It reads:

Saar,

I have some questions for you.... Please yanswer them:

Namba wan) The keyboard alphabets are not in order, when will you launch the correct version?

Namba too) There is yeh 'Start' button... but no 'Stop' button... Rascalaa, where it is?

Namba tree) I have already learned Microsoft Word, when are you "laanching" Microsoft Sentence?

Namba for) There is yeh Recycle bin... but...there is nobody coming to collect that bin. Why???

Your name is Bill... But in India they orr selling computers without Bill... Why???

Yand finally yeh personal question:
Your surname is Gates... But you are selling Windows... Why??

Management lessons from a robbery

During a robbery in Hong Kong, the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank:
"Don't move. The money belongs to the Government. Your life belongs to you."

Everyone in the bank laid down quietly.

This is called "Mind Changing Concept” Changing the conventional way of thinking.

When a lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her:
"Please be civilised! This is a robbery and not a rape!"

This is called "Being Professional”
Focus only on what you are trained to do!

When the bank robbers returned home, the younger robber (MBA trained) told the older robber (who has only completed Year 6 in primary school):
"Big brother, let's count how much we got."

 The older robber rebutted and said:
"You are very stupid. There is so much money it will take us a long time to count. Tonight, the TV news will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!"

This is called "Experience”
Nowadays, experience is more important than paper qualifications!

After the robbers had left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly. But the supervisor said to him:
"Wait! Let us take out $10 million from the bank for ourselves and add it to the $70 million that we have previously embezzled from the bank”.

This is called "Swim with the tide”
Converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!

The supervisor says: "It will be good if there is a robbery every month." 

This is called "Changing priority”
Personal Happiness is more important than your job”.

The next day, the TV news reported that $100 million was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count $20 million.

The robbers were very angry and complained:
"We risked our lives and only took $20 million. The bank manager took $80 million with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated than to be a thief!"