Driving with a Wife - Revenge of the Harassed Driver (read Husband)

Cooking Eggs
A woman is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in...
Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror. "Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!"
The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.
"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!"
        

The wife, concerned by the status of her husband's mental state, forgets about the butter and goes running to the eggs.
     
"WE NEED BUTTER! Are you CRAZY??? Where are we going to get the butter? They're going to stick! HURRY!"   

The wife runs to the fridge.
"CAREFUL about the eggs! CAREFUL. You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them quickly! Oh not that quickly, don't you know how to cook? Are you insane? Turn the DAMN EGGS!"

At this point, the wife starts crying, since she has no idea what to do.
She gasps "What is WRONG with you? I know how to cook eggs."
The husband simply smiles, remarks "I just wanted to show you what it feels like while I'm driving with you in the car", and leaves.

Getting married at 123 years

[8/31/2015, 13:04] +91 95528 18600: Silvio, an 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up.

The doctor is amazed at the shape the guy is in and asks, 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'

'I'm Italian and I am a Cyclist ....' says Silvio, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out Cycling up and down the highways. I have a glass of vino and all is well.'

'Well....' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?'

'Who said my Father's dead?'

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'

'He's 102 years old,' says Silvio. 'he Cycled with me this morning,  went to the beach for a walk, had a little vino and that's why he's still alive.
 Italian ....... Cyclist......

'Well....' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my Nonno's dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living? Incredible!! How old is he?'

'He's 123 years old,' says the Old Italian Cyclist.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went Cycling with you this morning too?'

'No, Nonno couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point, the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married? Why would a 123 year- old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to get married.... He had to !!!!!!!

......THE GIRL GOT PREGNANT!!'

Never quit Cycling and Wine. ⛳🍷*thank you aunties and uncles

Welding Vs. Wedding

Technical Difference
What is the difference between welding and wedding ..

In welding there are sparks first and bonding forever, , whereas in wedding there is bonding first and sparks forever ... 

Unfair Weekdays

The Lost Car of a Confident Lady

Written by a confident lady...

After a meeting, I was coming out of a hotel and I was looking for my car keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room, it wasn't there too.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.
My husband has shouted many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.
His theory is the car will be stolen if left at the ignition key slot..

Immediately, I rushed to the parking lot, I came to a terrifying conclusion.
His theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, Description of the car, Place I parked, etc, I equally confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that the car had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, to my husband, "Honey", I stammered; (I always call him "honey" in times like these 😉.) "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

There was a big silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.
"Idiot", he shouted, "I dropped you at the hotel !"

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, and happy aswell, I said, "Well, then pls come and get me."

He shouted again, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman, that I have not stolen your car."...

Raga Joke

Breaking news....😳😳😳
FIR filed against Sushma Swaraj and Arun Jaitely for child abuse in parliament...😜

Indian Ironies

1. Indian moms want their daughter to control their husband and expect their son to control their wives.

2. Parents want their children to stand out in a crowd but expect them to do what everybody else is doing.

3. Everything that is run by government looks very bad except government jobs.

4. National animal - endangered
    National pledge - unintended
    National river - polluted

5. A huge country of 1635 languages.....united by a foreign language.

6. Government talks about removing the caste system but you are required to mention your caste on every damn form you fill.

7. 👮Seeing a policeman makes us nervous rather than feeling safe.

8. We often say "Atithi Devo Bhavah" but we do not allow visitor parking in our residential societies...😝

Last and good one...

9. We are Always in a hurry but never on time..!😛
👉

Google for the Tamil Brahmins or TamBrams

Since the current CEO of Google is Sundar Pichai, who is a Tamil Brahmin (Tam-Brahm), here's how Google's search engine is likely to change, if you login from Chennai:

Search: Starbucks locations around me
Google: Ask Amma to make you filter kaapi

Search: Today's news
Google: Ean da? Unga Atthula Hindu paper varaliya inikki?

Search: 'Mission Impossible' show timings in city
Google: Periya Tom Cruise fan a da ni? Poi Padi da!😀

Search: Hair cutting salons near me
Google: Today is Friday, go tomorrow!

Search: Hindu baby names
Google: If it's a boy, Thatha peru, if girl, Paatti peru.

Search: How to travel the world in ten lakhs
Google: World travel'a? Shut up! Put 5 lakhs in fixed deposit & with remaining 5 lakhs, buy gold!

Search: Career options
Google: Engineering + MS, Engineering + MBA or CA

Search: Holiday destination
Google: Kovil

Search: Healthy food
Google: Thayir Saadham

Search: Recipe for chicken 65
Google: Error 404, not found

Search: What's special in December?
Google: Katcheris & Kovil Prasadam

Search: Swear words
Google: Abhistoo, Shaniyan, Kadangaara

Search: Restaurants
Google: ' Did you have your shower or no?'

Search: Honeymoon ideas
Google: Suprabhatham at Tirupati

Search: Lyrics for latest film song
Google: Song lyrics- a? Modalla idhu kathukko, " Vishwam Vishnur Vrashatkaro" ( Vishnu Sahasranamam) 😀

Search: Groom
Google: Did you mean groom with M.S. & employed in USA?

Search: Best wedding destinations in the world
Google: Keep calm, it's Aadi Maasam now

If Google was a Tambrahm:

-The logo would have a panchangam & refuse to work during Rahukaalam & Yamagandam!

- The OO's in Google would be replaced by Vadu Maangas in their logo

-  The number of results will always be multiples of 108

-  Neighbor's son's & daughter's Maths & Science scores will be visible on the home page

- Android's new releases will be named Paalpayasam, Kozhukattai, Parupputhengai, Jaangiri, etc.

- Google 's voice will be a Maami's voice

You catch my point

Selfie with God - The ubiquity of mobile phones

8 years back when I went to temple, it was written "Mobile Phones Prohibited ".

2 years back it was changed as "Keep your mobile switched off".

Last year it was changed as "Keep your mobile in Silent mode". Yesterday when I went, it is changed as :

"If you wish to take a Selfie with Lord/Idol, please pay Rs.50 at the Counter "

People's frustration with Politician

Politician ki Car se 'kutteka bachcha' mara gaya..

Politician driver se - Jao iske malik ka pata karo..

Jab driver wapas aaya to uske haat main mithai ke dabbe aur gale mein dher sari phoolon ki maalayen thi..

Politician - Ye kya hai?

Driver - Sir,logo ­n ne meri poori baat hi nahi suni aur khushi khushi haar pehnane lage. aur mithai baatne lage.

Politician - Magar kyu?
Driver-Maine to sirf ye kaha tha ki "Main Yeh Politician kadriver hoon, Kutte ka Bachcha mar gaya hai..."

Support for the daugther

The mother-in-law arrives home from the mall to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.


"What happened ?" she asks anxiously.


"What happened! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my business trip. I get home, and guess what I found?


Yes, your daughter, my wife, with a guy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever !"

"Calm down, calm down!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. My daughter would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

"I told you there must be a simple explanation ... she didn't receive your E-mail !"

Funny signboards

Funny Signboards
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PATHOLOGY Clinic--

For you it may be your Urine & Potty...
but
for us, it is our Dal & Roti...!!!
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One day I asked my Heart......

What is love ?

Heart Replied:

Dekh bhai apna kaam blood supply karna hai...! syllabus ke baahar ka mat pucch....

English Translation: Listen brother, my job is to supply blood, don't ask me things which are not in my syllabus.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Aurangazeb: Senapati, bataao hum Shivaji ko kyu Nahi dhund pa rahe hain??

Senapati: Maharaj, hum Mugal Hain, Google Nahi !!!

Unexpected turn of events

Sexy secretary comes angrily out of Boss's cabin..  ♨

Staff asked: What happened?

Secretary: He asked me are you free tonight?
I said yes!

Rascal gave me 60 pages to type!!!

---------------------------------------
Shocking Introduction at a party
---------------------------------------
One man to another ..
Meet my wife Tanya ..

2nd one : Ya, I know her.

1st one : How..?

2nd one : We were caught many a times sleeping together.

1st one : What??? Angrily.. What the hell are are talking..??

2nd one : During lectures in science & history classes.
We were classmates.

Etymology of Bollywood Names

Pankaj fell in love
Pankaj married
Pankaj divorced
Pankaj Udaas

Sameera went to a parlor
Sameera did her hair
Sameera did her makeup
Sameera Reddy

Kangana hit the ball
Kangana took a single
Kangana did not reach the crease
Kangana Ranaut.

Hrithik buys bulb
Hrithik puts bulb in socket
Hrithik switches bulb on
Hrithik Roshan

Neil arms weak.
Neil joins gym.
Neil does chin-ups.
Neil Armstrong

Poonam puts Chuna
Poonam puts Kathha
Poonam puts Gulkand
Poonam puts supari
Poonam Pandey

Anil mombatti
Anil agarbatti
Anil dhoop
Anil Kapoor

Minisha purchased a cycle
Minisha started riding cycle
Minisha's height increased
Minisha Lamba

Mika went to studio
Mika went to recording room
Mika took the mike
Mika Singh...

Some extras

From Politics

Sonia was walking.
Sonia slipped.
Sonia fell into the drain.
Sonia Gandhi

From Classics
William making fruit shake
William took pears
William put them in glass
William Shakespeare

From the sporting world
Umar walking on the road
Umar got kidnapped
Umar not found by family
Umar Gul

Bertie Wooster defines "Aplomb" for Jeeves

For the PG Wodehouse and English language fans!

Bertie Wooster was in the study when his butler,Jeeves, coughed discreetly. "May I ask you a question Sir ?"

"By all means, Jeeves," said Bertie.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word with which I am unfamiliar."

"What word is that?" said his lordship.

"Aplomb, Sir. "

"Now that's a difficult one to explain I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."

"Thank you, Sir, but I'm still a little confused."

"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us at Aunt Agatha's place?"

"I remember the occasion very well, Sir. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."

"Also", continued Bertie Wooster, "do you remember when the Duke plucked a bloom for the Duchess in the rose garden?"

"I was present on that occasion, Sir, ministering to their needs."

"While plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."

Jeeves replied, "I witnessed the incident and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and wrap a bandage on his thumb using her own dainty handkerchief, after sucking the thumb gently to stop the bleeding. Yes Sir, I did see everything that transpired that evening."

Bertie Wooster: "Jeeves, the next morning while you were pouring tea for Her Ladyship, the Duchess asked the Duke in a loud voice, 'Darling is your prick still throbbing?'

"And you, Jeeves, did not spill one drop of tea! Now that is aplomb!"

Charges for Unused Facility

A married couple is travelling by car from California to New York.

Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it’s a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren’t worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the ‘standard rate’. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us to use.

“But we didn’t use them,” the husband said.

“Well, they are here, and you could have,” explained the Manager.

The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. “We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here,” the Manager says.

“But we didn’t go to any of those shows,” the husband said.

“Well, we have them, and you could have,” the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, “But we didn’t use it!”

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed to pay. As he didn’t have the check book, he asked his wife to write the check.

She did and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. “But ma’am, this is made out for only $50.00.”

“That’s correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me,” she replied.

“But I didn’t!” exclaims the Manager.

“Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have.”

Don’t mess with senior citizens…They didn’t get there by being stupid...!!