Misunderstanding

A newly married couple was walking through a garden suddenly a dog ran towards them.
They both knew it will bite them..
The husband lifted his wife and let the dog bite him than his sweetie.
The dog stopped before them barked for a while and ran backwards.
The husband put his wife down expecting a hug and a few kind words from her.

Then his wife shouted
 " I have seen people throwing stones and sticks at dogs this is the first time I am seeing someone trying to throw his wife at a dog".

Husband...   "?????"

Moral : A Wife is Wife  - No One ELSE Can MIS-UNDERSTAND a Husband Better, than a Wife

How to keep your Spouse Happy?

HIGHLIGHTS OF HOW TO MAKE YOUR WIFE HAPPY

It's really not difficult to make a wife happy.

A husband only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a man
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a charmer
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a bug exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
44. Compassionate

AND, WITHOUT FORGETTING TO: 

45. Give her compliments frequently
46. Love shopping
47. Be honest
48. Be very rich
49. Never stress her
50. Never look at other women!

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. Give her lots of space

AND, VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:

* birthdays
* anniversaries
* her favorite color
* her favorite flower
* her favorite gem
* her favorite fragrance
* her favorite memories
* her favorite holidays
* her favorite friends
* her favorite vacation destinations
* her favorite beverage
* her favorite food
* her favorite restaurant
* any arrangements she makes
--------------------

And Finally,

HOW TO MAKE HUSBAND HAPPY

Just leave him alone.....with his TV remote and mobile phone......And he'll be just fine...

Dedicated to all .....married people

How to use the Drive-in ATM?

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new 'Drive-through' ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'


*******************************

MALE PROCEDURE:


1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.


**************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

Unfortunately, most of this part is the TRUTH!!!!

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3.  Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press CANCEL and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.

Beware!! - Women think of everything.

A husband & wife were always fighting with each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.The man would shout - 'When I die, I will dig my way up, out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life..'

Neighbours feared him and the man liked the fact that he was feared..

To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 58. His wife had a closed casket at the wake..

After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbours, concerned for her safety, asked - 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life??'

The wife put down her drink and said - 'Let him dig. I had him buried upside down..'

These women.. I tell you... They think of everything..

Beware!!

Who pays Alimony

Closing the Divorce and Alimony case of Santa Singh vs Preeto Kaur...

Judge : I have reviewed this case carefully and have decided to give your wife  alimony of Rs 20,000 per month.
Santa: That's very fair & kind of you, your honor. And whenever possible,  I'll also try to give her some money myself!!

Why Bill Gates Resigned

Bill Gates has resigned as the 'Chairman of Microsoft' after receiving a letter from Rajinikanth. It reads:

Saar,

I have some questions for you.... Please yanswer them:

Namba wan) The keyboard alphabets are not in order, when will you launch the correct version?

Namba too) There is yeh 'Start' button... but no 'Stop' button... Rascalaa, where it is?

Namba tree) I have already learned Microsoft Word, when are you "laanching" Microsoft Sentence?

Namba for) There is yeh Recycle bin... but...there is nobody coming to collect that bin. Why???

Your name is Bill... But in India they orr selling computers without Bill... Why???

Yand finally yeh personal question:
Your surname is Gates... But you are selling Windows... Why??

Management lessons from a robbery

During a robbery in Hong Kong, the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank:
"Don't move. The money belongs to the Government. Your life belongs to you."

Everyone in the bank laid down quietly.

This is called "Mind Changing Concept” Changing the conventional way of thinking.

When a lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her:
"Please be civilised! This is a robbery and not a rape!"

This is called "Being Professional”
Focus only on what you are trained to do!

When the bank robbers returned home, the younger robber (MBA trained) told the older robber (who has only completed Year 6 in primary school):
"Big brother, let's count how much we got."

 The older robber rebutted and said:
"You are very stupid. There is so much money it will take us a long time to count. Tonight, the TV news will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!"

This is called "Experience”
Nowadays, experience is more important than paper qualifications!

After the robbers had left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly. But the supervisor said to him:
"Wait! Let us take out $10 million from the bank for ourselves and add it to the $70 million that we have previously embezzled from the bank”.

This is called "Swim with the tide”
Converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!

The supervisor says: "It will be good if there is a robbery every month." 

This is called "Changing priority”
Personal Happiness is more important than your job”.

The next day, the TV news reported that $100 million was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count $20 million.

The robbers were very angry and complained:
"We risked our lives and only took $20 million. The bank manager took $80 million with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated than to be a thief!"

A Sardar Soldier

A Sardar soldier and a lesbian .....
An old Sardar soldier sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old combat jacket and boots and ordered a cup of a coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the soldier and asked,
"Are you a real soldier"?

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life in jungles and mountains. I've taken part in several wars and insurgencies. I've taught more than 1000 officers and several thousand troops about combat; what are you?"

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old sardar soldier and asked: "are you a real soldier?"
Sardarji soldier replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that I am a lesbian'.

Nuns and Adam and Eve

In a terrible car accident, 3 nuns die at the same time.

They all appear in front of the gates of Heaven to meet Saint Peter. When they arrive, Peter informs them that those who lived a life of the cloth must answer some basic questions about theology before they are permitted to enter Heaven. Each of the nuns has studied their bible well, so they don't feel worried by this.

The first nun steps forward and tells the saint that she's ready. "Who was the first woman?" Peter asks. "That's easy!" exclaims the nun. "Eve!" Peter smiles, the bells toll, and the gates of Heaven open.

The second nun, encouraged by her colleagues easy pass, steps forwards and tells Peter that she's ready, as well. "Who was the first man?" Peter asks. "Easy! That's Adam!" says the nun, excitedly. Peter smiles, the bells toll, and the gates of Heaven open.

The third nun is now confident that she won't have any trouble, and steps up to face Peter's question. "What were Eve's first words to Adam?" he asks. "My, that's a hard one," the nun replies worriedly, but Peter smiles, the bells toll, and the gates of Heaven open...

Loose Morals

Lesson 1:


A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.


The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.


When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.


Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'


After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.


The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.


When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'


'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.


'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'


Moral of the story:


If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.




Lesson 2:


A priest offered a Nun a lift.


She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.


The priest nearly had an accident.


After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.


The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'


The priest removed his hand But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'


The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'


Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.


On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'


Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.



Lesson 3:


A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.


They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'


'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'

Puff! She's gone.


'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'


Puff! He's gone.


'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.


The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'



Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.


Lesson 4


An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.


A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'

The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'


So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.


Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.



Lesson 5


A turkey was chatting with a bull.


'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'


'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'


The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.


The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.


Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.


He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.


Moral of the story:

Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..




Lesson 6



A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.


While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.


As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.


The dung was actually thawing him out!


He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.


A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.


Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.



Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.


(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your

friend.


(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!



THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
G


Send this to at least five bright, funny people you know and make their day!

Bartender as a Psychiatrist

Ever since Rob was a child, he had a fear of someone under his bed at night. So he went to a Psychiatrist and told him, "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it.  I'm scared.  I think I'm going crazy."
 
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year", said the psychiatrist. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
 
"How much do you charge?"
 
'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.    
 
'I'll sleep on it and if needed I will come back to you,' Rob said.
 
Six months later he met the Psychiatrist on the street.    
 
'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.  
 
'Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV".  
 
'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'  
 
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed - ain't nobody under there now!
 
FORGET THOSE PSYCHIATRISTS.. GO HAVE A DRINK &  TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER.  There is always another way to solve a problem.

Completed Vs Finished

English Vinglish

Can any one tell the difference between 'Completed' and 'Finished'?

No dictionary has ever been able to define the difference between 'Complete' and 'Finished.'

However, in a linguistic conference, held in London England, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clever winner.

His final challenge was this. Some say there is no difference between 'Complete' and 'Finished.' Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.

His response was: When you marry the right woman, you are 'Complete.' If you marry the wrong woman, you are 'Finished.' And , when the right woman catches you with the wrong woman, you are 'Completely Finished.'

His answer received a five minute standing ovation

Effect of in-laws

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting a complicated surgery on him and.....

he insisted that his son-in-law, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anaesthesia, he spoke to his son-in-law.

'Yes, Dad, what is it?'

'Don't be nervous son; do your best and just remember, if something happens to me.........

........your mother in law will come and live with you.'

The surgery was a great success....

What management decides is decided

There was a king he had 10 wild dogs...
He used them to torture and eat all ministers who made mistakes.

So one of the minister’s once gave an opinion which was wrong, and which the king didn’t like at all…
So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

So the minister said,
"I served you 10 years and you do this..?

Please give me 10 days before you throw me in with those dogs!
So the king agreed…

In those 10 days the minister went to the guard that was guarding the dogs and told him he wants to serve the dogs for the next 10 days…

The guard was baffled…
But he agreed…
So the minister started feeding the dogs, cleaning for them, washing them, providing all sorts of comfort for them.

So when the 10 days were up…

The king ordered that the minister be thrown in to the dogs for his punishment.

But when he was thrown in,

Everyone was amazed at what they saw..
They saw the dogs licking the feet of the minister!

So the king baffled at what he saw… Said:” what happened to the dog. !!!”

The minister then said;”
I served the dogs for 10 days and they didn’t forget my service…
Yet I served you for 10 years and you forgot all at the first mistake!”…

So the king realised his mistake

and
















Got crocodiles instead

Moral : What management decided is decided..

Heights!

Heights!!

Height of brand obsession
In Kerala, a South Indian walking by the hills suddenly saw a sheep  & screamed.."aiyo Murugan Monte Carlo"

Another Height of Brand obsession
In Bhatinda, a fashionable Punjaban walking by the river suddenly saw a crocodile & screamed..
"Hai Rabba, Lacoste"

Height of Fashion
Lungi with a zip.

Height of Laziness
Asking lift for morning walk.

Height of Craziness
Get blank paper xerox.

Height of Honesty
Pregnant woman taking 2 tickets.


Height of de-hydration
Cow giving milk powder.

Height of Hope
A 99 yr. Old woman going for 295/-recharge to get lifetime incoming.

Height of Stupidity
Looking through key hole of a glass door.

Height of Suicide Attempt
A dwarf jumps from the footpath on the road.

Height of friendship
It's when your friend runs away with your wife ....
And you are really worried for your friend !!

 Height of Attitude
A Sleeping Beggar puts a Notice Board in front of Him..
Please Do not make noise by dropping coins!!
Use Currency notes.

Height Of Work Pressure
An Employee Opens His Tiffin Box On The Road Side To See,Whether He Is Going To office, Or Coming Back From office.

Height of Free Time
You are reading the whole message

How God balances the world?

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven , God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. 

He inquired "Where have you been?"

God took a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made !" 

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." 

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor.

Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people,"

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."  

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a triangular land mass and said, "What's that one?"

"AAAAH," said God. "That's India, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful beaches, mountains, streams, hills, waterfalls and vineyards.

The people from India are going to be very beautiful, handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world holding good jobs. They will be sociable, hardworking, high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace, play cricket and win world cups. Their knowledge and wisdom will be appreciated and exported to far places."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance".

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the clowns that run their government !"

Communication after Death

एक महिला को मुंबई
में नौकरी मिल गई।
.
वह अकेली ही नौकरी ज्वाइन करने
पहुंची,
वहां कंपनी ने उसे रहने के लिए एक
फ्लैट
भीदेदिया।
.
महिला ने सोचा कि अपने
पति को सूचना दे दूं
ताकि उन्हें चिंता न हो, उसने पति के
लिए
मोबाइल में एसएमएस लिखा परन्तु
गलती से
गलत नंबर पर भेज दिया।
.
जिस आदमी को वह एसएमएस
मिला उसकी पत्नी गुजर गई थी और
वह
अभी-अभी अंतिम संस्कार करके
लौटा था।
.
एसएमएस पढ़ते ही वह आदमी बेहोश
हो गया और उसे अस्पताल में
भर्ती कराना पड़ा।
.
एसएमएस में लिखा था -
.
 मैं सही-सलामत पहुंच गई हूं
और
यहां रहने के लिए अच्छी जगह
भी मिल
गई
है.....
.
आप बिलकुल चिंता मत करना बस
1-2
दो दिन में ही आपको भी बुला लूंगी।
.
.
आपकी पत्नी ........

अकेले ही हँसोगे या दोस्तों को भी हँसाओगे तो फॉरवर्ड करिए।

Dependents of Income Tax

Blast of the day:
Best Answer given by an Indian Citizen:-

My Income Tax return form has been sent back because, In response to a question for 'Number of Dependents on you?',  I replied :---
"65% of population who doesn't pay taxes, 21 million illegal immigrants, 9,00,000 criminals in over 1382 prisons and above all 544+ MPs in parliament"and 4000 MLA's of states.

They said, this is not an acceptable answer.

I am still wondering..... Who the hell did I miss out!!.

Punjabi "Beer" Names

Names of most Punjabi boys are based on Beer fundamentals..
Sample these names :
1. A guy who drinks beer with his team???
Dalbeer !!!

2. A guy who drinks beer with his family???
Kulbeer !!!

3. A guy who religiously drinks beer???
Dharambeer !!!

4. A guy who drinks beer for happiness & satisfaction???
Sukhbeer !!!

5. A guy who drinks beer only on Saturday ???
Satbeer!!!

6. A guy who drinks only beer???
Jasbeer !!!

7. A guy who drinks beer while running???
Ranbeer !!!

8 A guy who drinks beer in his workplace ???
Karambeer !!!

9. A guy one who drinks the most beer???
Parambeer !!!

10. Finally... A guy who drinks beer for strength???
Balbeer !!!

Dangerous Beverage

Friends, please avoid drinking coffee... I have discovered that this seemingly harmless beverage can make people really aggressive ...

Last night My friend had 8 pegs and some beer at the pub, while his wife had just one cup of coffee at home...

You should have seen how violently angry she was when he got home... 

Alia Bhatt's solution to Hardik Patel on Reservation

Alia Bhatt has advised the Patels that if they don't get reservation,
.
.
then they should try in TATKAL.

Driving with a Wife - Revenge of the Harassed Driver (read Husband)

Cooking Eggs
A woman is cooking eggs in the kitchen when her husband comes running in...
Immediately, he sees the eggs and gasps in horror. "Be careful! CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh, my GOSH!"
The wife, startled at her husband's violent reaction, dashes to the fridge to get some butter.
"You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!"
        

The wife, concerned by the status of her husband's mental state, forgets about the butter and goes running to the eggs.
     
"WE NEED BUTTER! Are you CRAZY??? Where are we going to get the butter? They're going to stick! HURRY!"   

The wife runs to the fridge.
"CAREFUL about the eggs! CAREFUL. You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them quickly! Oh not that quickly, don't you know how to cook? Are you insane? Turn the DAMN EGGS!"

At this point, the wife starts crying, since she has no idea what to do.
She gasps "What is WRONG with you? I know how to cook eggs."
The husband simply smiles, remarks "I just wanted to show you what it feels like while I'm driving with you in the car", and leaves.

Getting married at 123 years

[8/31/2015, 13:04] +91 95528 18600: Silvio, an 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up.

The doctor is amazed at the shape the guy is in and asks, 'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'

'I'm Italian and I am a Cyclist ....' says Silvio, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out Cycling up and down the highways. I have a glass of vino and all is well.'

'Well....' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?'

'Who said my Father's dead?'

The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'

'He's 102 years old,' says Silvio. 'he Cycled with me this morning,  went to the beach for a walk, had a little vino and that's why he's still alive.
 Italian ....... Cyclist......

'Well....' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'

'Who said my Nonno's dead?'

Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living? Incredible!! How old is he?'

'He's 123 years old,' says the Old Italian Cyclist.

The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went Cycling with you this morning too?'

'No, Nonno couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'

At this point, the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married? Why would a 123 year- old guy want to get married?'

'Who said he wanted to get married.... He had to !!!!!!!

......THE GIRL GOT PREGNANT!!'

Never quit Cycling and Wine. ⛳🍷*thank you aunties and uncles

Welding Vs. Wedding

Technical Difference
What is the difference between welding and wedding ..

In welding there are sparks first and bonding forever, , whereas in wedding there is bonding first and sparks forever ... 

Unfair Weekdays

The Lost Car of a Confident Lady

Written by a confident lady...

After a meeting, I was coming out of a hotel and I was looking for my car keys. They were not in my pockets. A quick search in the meeting room, it wasn't there too.

Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car.
My husband has shouted many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.

My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them.
His theory is the car will be stolen if left at the ignition key slot..

Immediately, I rushed to the parking lot, I came to a terrifying conclusion.
His theory was right. The parking lot was empty.

I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, Description of the car, Place I parked, etc, I equally confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that the car had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all, to my husband, "Honey", I stammered; (I always call him "honey" in times like these 😉.) "I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen."

There was a big silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice.
"Idiot", he shouted, "I dropped you at the hotel !"

Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, and happy aswell, I said, "Well, then pls come and get me."

He shouted again, "I will, as soon as I convince this policeman, that I have not stolen your car."...

Raga Joke

Breaking news....😳😳😳
FIR filed against Sushma Swaraj and Arun Jaitely for child abuse in parliament...😜

Indian Ironies

1. Indian moms want their daughter to control their husband and expect their son to control their wives.

2. Parents want their children to stand out in a crowd but expect them to do what everybody else is doing.

3. Everything that is run by government looks very bad except government jobs.

4. National animal - endangered
    National pledge - unintended
    National river - polluted

5. A huge country of 1635 languages.....united by a foreign language.

6. Government talks about removing the caste system but you are required to mention your caste on every damn form you fill.

7. 👮Seeing a policeman makes us nervous rather than feeling safe.

8. We often say "Atithi Devo Bhavah" but we do not allow visitor parking in our residential societies...😝

Last and good one...

9. We are Always in a hurry but never on time..!😛
👉

Google for the Tamil Brahmins or TamBrams

Since the current CEO of Google is Sundar Pichai, who is a Tamil Brahmin (Tam-Brahm), here's how Google's search engine is likely to change, if you login from Chennai:

Search: Starbucks locations around me
Google: Ask Amma to make you filter kaapi

Search: Today's news
Google: Ean da? Unga Atthula Hindu paper varaliya inikki?

Search: 'Mission Impossible' show timings in city
Google: Periya Tom Cruise fan a da ni? Poi Padi da!😀

Search: Hair cutting salons near me
Google: Today is Friday, go tomorrow!

Search: Hindu baby names
Google: If it's a boy, Thatha peru, if girl, Paatti peru.

Search: How to travel the world in ten lakhs
Google: World travel'a? Shut up! Put 5 lakhs in fixed deposit & with remaining 5 lakhs, buy gold!

Search: Career options
Google: Engineering + MS, Engineering + MBA or CA

Search: Holiday destination
Google: Kovil

Search: Healthy food
Google: Thayir Saadham

Search: Recipe for chicken 65
Google: Error 404, not found

Search: What's special in December?
Google: Katcheris & Kovil Prasadam

Search: Swear words
Google: Abhistoo, Shaniyan, Kadangaara

Search: Restaurants
Google: ' Did you have your shower or no?'

Search: Honeymoon ideas
Google: Suprabhatham at Tirupati

Search: Lyrics for latest film song
Google: Song lyrics- a? Modalla idhu kathukko, " Vishwam Vishnur Vrashatkaro" ( Vishnu Sahasranamam) 😀

Search: Groom
Google: Did you mean groom with M.S. & employed in USA?

Search: Best wedding destinations in the world
Google: Keep calm, it's Aadi Maasam now

If Google was a Tambrahm:

-The logo would have a panchangam & refuse to work during Rahukaalam & Yamagandam!

- The OO's in Google would be replaced by Vadu Maangas in their logo

-  The number of results will always be multiples of 108

-  Neighbor's son's & daughter's Maths & Science scores will be visible on the home page

- Android's new releases will be named Paalpayasam, Kozhukattai, Parupputhengai, Jaangiri, etc.

- Google 's voice will be a Maami's voice

You catch my point

Selfie with God - The ubiquity of mobile phones

8 years back when I went to temple, it was written "Mobile Phones Prohibited ".

2 years back it was changed as "Keep your mobile switched off".

Last year it was changed as "Keep your mobile in Silent mode". Yesterday when I went, it is changed as :

"If you wish to take a Selfie with Lord/Idol, please pay Rs.50 at the Counter "

People's frustration with Politician

Politician ki Car se 'kutteka bachcha' mara gaya..

Politician driver se - Jao iske malik ka pata karo..

Jab driver wapas aaya to uske haat main mithai ke dabbe aur gale mein dher sari phoolon ki maalayen thi..

Politician - Ye kya hai?

Driver - Sir,logo ­n ne meri poori baat hi nahi suni aur khushi khushi haar pehnane lage. aur mithai baatne lage.

Politician - Magar kyu?
Driver-Maine to sirf ye kaha tha ki "Main Yeh Politician kadriver hoon, Kutte ka Bachcha mar gaya hai..."

Support for the daugther

The mother-in-law arrives home from the mall to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.


"What happened ?" she asks anxiously.


"What happened! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my business trip. I get home, and guess what I found?


Yes, your daughter, my wife, with a guy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever !"

"Calm down, calm down!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. My daughter would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.

"I told you there must be a simple explanation ... she didn't receive your E-mail !"

Funny signboards

Funny Signboards
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PATHOLOGY Clinic--

For you it may be your Urine & Potty...
but
for us, it is our Dal & Roti...!!!
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
One day I asked my Heart......

What is love ?

Heart Replied:

Dekh bhai apna kaam blood supply karna hai...! syllabus ke baahar ka mat pucch....

English Translation: Listen brother, my job is to supply blood, don't ask me things which are not in my syllabus.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Aurangazeb: Senapati, bataao hum Shivaji ko kyu Nahi dhund pa rahe hain??

Senapati: Maharaj, hum Mugal Hain, Google Nahi !!!

Unexpected turn of events

Sexy secretary comes angrily out of Boss's cabin..  ♨

Staff asked: What happened?

Secretary: He asked me are you free tonight?
I said yes!

Rascal gave me 60 pages to type!!!

---------------------------------------
Shocking Introduction at a party
---------------------------------------
One man to another ..
Meet my wife Tanya ..

2nd one : Ya, I know her.

1st one : How..?

2nd one : We were caught many a times sleeping together.

1st one : What??? Angrily.. What the hell are are talking..??

2nd one : During lectures in science & history classes.
We were classmates.

Etymology of Bollywood Names

Pankaj fell in love
Pankaj married
Pankaj divorced
Pankaj Udaas

Sameera went to a parlor
Sameera did her hair
Sameera did her makeup
Sameera Reddy

Kangana hit the ball
Kangana took a single
Kangana did not reach the crease
Kangana Ranaut.

Hrithik buys bulb
Hrithik puts bulb in socket
Hrithik switches bulb on
Hrithik Roshan

Neil arms weak.
Neil joins gym.
Neil does chin-ups.
Neil Armstrong

Poonam puts Chuna
Poonam puts Kathha
Poonam puts Gulkand
Poonam puts supari
Poonam Pandey

Anil mombatti
Anil agarbatti
Anil dhoop
Anil Kapoor

Minisha purchased a cycle
Minisha started riding cycle
Minisha's height increased
Minisha Lamba

Mika went to studio
Mika went to recording room
Mika took the mike
Mika Singh...

Some extras

From Politics

Sonia was walking.
Sonia slipped.
Sonia fell into the drain.
Sonia Gandhi

From Classics
William making fruit shake
William took pears
William put them in glass
William Shakespeare

From the sporting world
Umar walking on the road
Umar got kidnapped
Umar not found by family
Umar Gul

Bertie Wooster defines "Aplomb" for Jeeves

For the PG Wodehouse and English language fans!

Bertie Wooster was in the study when his butler,Jeeves, coughed discreetly. "May I ask you a question Sir ?"

"By all means, Jeeves," said Bertie.

"I am doing the crossword in The Times and I have found a word with which I am unfamiliar."

"What word is that?" said his lordship.

"Aplomb, Sir. "

"Now that's a difficult one to explain I would say it is self-assurance or complete composure."

"Thank you, Sir, but I'm still a little confused."

"Let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a few months ago the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend with us at Aunt Agatha's place?"

"I remember the occasion very well, Sir. It gave the staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."

"Also", continued Bertie Wooster, "do you remember when the Duke plucked a bloom for the Duchess in the rose garden?"

"I was present on that occasion, Sir, ministering to their needs."

"While plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself in his thumb very deeply."

Jeeves replied, "I witnessed the incident and saw the Duchess herself remove the thorn and wrap a bandage on his thumb using her own dainty handkerchief, after sucking the thumb gently to stop the bleeding. Yes Sir, I did see everything that transpired that evening."

Bertie Wooster: "Jeeves, the next morning while you were pouring tea for Her Ladyship, the Duchess asked the Duke in a loud voice, 'Darling is your prick still throbbing?'

"And you, Jeeves, did not spill one drop of tea! Now that is aplomb!"

Charges for Unused Facility

A married couple is travelling by car from California to New York.

Being seniors, after almost eleven hours on the road, they were too tired to continue and decided to take a room. But, they only planned to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

When they checked out four hours later, the desk clerk handed them a bill for $350.00.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He told the clerk although it’s a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren’t worth $350.00 for four hours. Then the clerk tells him that $350.00 is the ‘standard rate’. He insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appears, listens to him, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for us to use.

“But we didn’t use them,” the husband said.

“Well, they are here, and you could have,” explained the Manager.

The Manager went on to explain that the couple could also have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. “We have the best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here,” the Manager says.

“But we didn’t go to any of those shows,” the husband said.

“Well, we have them, and you could have,” the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, the husband replied, “But we didn’t use it!”

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the husband gave up and agreed to pay. As he didn’t have the check book, he asked his wife to write the check.

She did and gave it to the Manager.

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. “But ma’am, this is made out for only $50.00.”

“That’s correct. I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with me,” she replied.

“But I didn’t!” exclaims the Manager.

“Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have.”

Don’t mess with senior citizens…They didn’t get there by being stupid...!!

Life and Mobile Service

College life is like Reliance!
Karlo Duniya Mutthi Mein
😊😊😊😊😊😊😊

Bachelor Life is Like Airtel!
Aisi Azadi aur Kahan
😊😊😊😊😊😊😊

After Engagement is Like Idea!
Jo Badal de aapki Duniya
😀😀😀😀😀😀😀

After Marrige is like Vodafone!
Where you go.. network Follows
😀😀😀😀😀😀

After Kids is like BSNL!
All lines are Busy
😜😜😜😜😜😜

But friendship is like LIC
Zindagi ke saath bhi
Zindagi ke baad bhi!

Pot Bellied Mannequin for the Middle Ages

A newly designed Mannequin so that men know exactly how a T-Shirt will look on them.