Misunderstanding

A newly married couple was walking through a garden suddenly a dog ran towards them.
They both knew it will bite them..
The husband lifted his wife and let the dog bite him than his sweetie.
The dog stopped before them barked for a while and ran backwards.
The husband put his wife down expecting a hug and a few kind words from her.

Then his wife shouted
 " I have seen people throwing stones and sticks at dogs this is the first time I am seeing someone trying to throw his wife at a dog".

Husband...   "?????"

Moral : A Wife is Wife  - No One ELSE Can MIS-UNDERSTAND a Husband Better, than a Wife

How to keep your Spouse Happy?

HIGHLIGHTS OF HOW TO MAKE YOUR WIFE HAPPY

It's really not difficult to make a wife happy.

A husband only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a man
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a charmer
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a bug exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
44. Compassionate

AND, WITHOUT FORGETTING TO: 

45. Give her compliments frequently
46. Love shopping
47. Be honest
48. Be very rich
49. Never stress her
50. Never look at other women!

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. Give her lots of space

AND, VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:

* birthdays
* anniversaries
* her favorite color
* her favorite flower
* her favorite gem
* her favorite fragrance
* her favorite memories
* her favorite holidays
* her favorite friends
* her favorite vacation destinations
* her favorite beverage
* her favorite food
* her favorite restaurant
* any arrangements she makes
--------------------

And Finally,

HOW TO MAKE HUSBAND HAPPY

Just leave him alone.....with his TV remote and mobile phone......And he'll be just fine...

Dedicated to all .....married people

How to use the Drive-in ATM?

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new 'Drive-through' ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, MALE & FEMALE Procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'


*******************************

MALE PROCEDURE:


1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Put down your car window.

3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Put window up.

7. Drive off.


**************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:

Unfortunately, most of this part is the TRUTH!!!!

1. Drive up to cash machine.

2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.

3.  Set parking brake, put the window down.

4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.

5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.

6. Attempt to insert card into machine.

7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.

8. Insert card.

9. Re-insert card the right way.

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

11. Enter PIN.

12. Press CANCEL and re-enter correct PIN.

13. Enter amount of cash required.

14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.

15. Retrieve cash and receipt.

16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.

17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of checkbook.

18. Re-check makeup.

19. Drive forward 2 feet.

20. Reverse back to cash machine.

21. Retrieve card.

22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!

23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.

24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

25. Redial person on cell phone.

26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.

27. Release Parking Brake.

Beware!! - Women think of everything.

A husband & wife were always fighting with each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night.The man would shout - 'When I die, I will dig my way up, out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life..'

Neighbours feared him and the man liked the fact that he was feared..

To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 58. His wife had a closed casket at the wake..

After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party, as if there was no tomorrow. Her neighbours, concerned for her safety, asked - 'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life??'

The wife put down her drink and said - 'Let him dig. I had him buried upside down..'

These women.. I tell you... They think of everything..

Beware!!

Who pays Alimony

Closing the Divorce and Alimony case of Santa Singh vs Preeto Kaur...

Judge : I have reviewed this case carefully and have decided to give your wife  alimony of Rs 20,000 per month.
Santa: That's very fair & kind of you, your honor. And whenever possible,  I'll also try to give her some money myself!!

Why Bill Gates Resigned

Bill Gates has resigned as the 'Chairman of Microsoft' after receiving a letter from Rajinikanth. It reads:

Saar,

I have some questions for you.... Please yanswer them:

Namba wan) The keyboard alphabets are not in order, when will you launch the correct version?

Namba too) There is yeh 'Start' button... but no 'Stop' button... Rascalaa, where it is?

Namba tree) I have already learned Microsoft Word, when are you "laanching" Microsoft Sentence?

Namba for) There is yeh Recycle bin... but...there is nobody coming to collect that bin. Why???

Your name is Bill... But in India they orr selling computers without Bill... Why???

Yand finally yeh personal question:
Your surname is Gates... But you are selling Windows... Why??

Management lessons from a robbery

During a robbery in Hong Kong, the bank robber shouted to everyone in the bank:
"Don't move. The money belongs to the Government. Your life belongs to you."

Everyone in the bank laid down quietly.

This is called "Mind Changing Concept” Changing the conventional way of thinking.

When a lady lay on the table provocatively, the robber shouted at her:
"Please be civilised! This is a robbery and not a rape!"

This is called "Being Professional”
Focus only on what you are trained to do!

When the bank robbers returned home, the younger robber (MBA trained) told the older robber (who has only completed Year 6 in primary school):
"Big brother, let's count how much we got."

 The older robber rebutted and said:
"You are very stupid. There is so much money it will take us a long time to count. Tonight, the TV news will tell us how much we robbed from the bank!"

This is called "Experience”
Nowadays, experience is more important than paper qualifications!

After the robbers had left, the bank manager told the bank supervisor to call the police quickly. But the supervisor said to him:
"Wait! Let us take out $10 million from the bank for ourselves and add it to the $70 million that we have previously embezzled from the bank”.

This is called "Swim with the tide”
Converting an unfavorable situation to your advantage!

The supervisor says: "It will be good if there is a robbery every month." 

This is called "Changing priority”
Personal Happiness is more important than your job”.

The next day, the TV news reported that $100 million was taken from the bank. The robbers counted and counted and counted, but they could only count $20 million.

The robbers were very angry and complained:
"We risked our lives and only took $20 million. The bank manager took $80 million with a snap of his fingers. It looks like it is better to be educated than to be a thief!"

A Sardar Soldier

A Sardar soldier and a lesbian .....
An old Sardar soldier sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old combat jacket and boots and ordered a cup of a coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the soldier and asked,
"Are you a real soldier"?

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life in jungles and mountains. I've taken part in several wars and insurgencies. I've taught more than 1000 officers and several thousand troops about combat; what are you?"

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old sardar soldier and asked: "are you a real soldier?"
Sardarji soldier replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out that I am a lesbian'.

Nuns and Adam and Eve

In a terrible car accident, 3 nuns die at the same time.

They all appear in front of the gates of Heaven to meet Saint Peter. When they arrive, Peter informs them that those who lived a life of the cloth must answer some basic questions about theology before they are permitted to enter Heaven. Each of the nuns has studied their bible well, so they don't feel worried by this.

The first nun steps forward and tells the saint that she's ready. "Who was the first woman?" Peter asks. "That's easy!" exclaims the nun. "Eve!" Peter smiles, the bells toll, and the gates of Heaven open.

The second nun, encouraged by her colleagues easy pass, steps forwards and tells Peter that she's ready, as well. "Who was the first man?" Peter asks. "Easy! That's Adam!" says the nun, excitedly. Peter smiles, the bells toll, and the gates of Heaven open.

The third nun is now confident that she won't have any trouble, and steps up to face Peter's question. "What were Eve's first words to Adam?" he asks. "My, that's a hard one," the nun replies worriedly, but Peter smiles, the bells toll, and the gates of Heaven open...

Loose Morals

Lesson 1:


A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.


The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.


When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.


Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'


After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.


The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.


When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'


'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.


'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'


Moral of the story:


If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.




Lesson 2:


A priest offered a Nun a lift.


She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.


The priest nearly had an accident.


After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.


The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'


The priest removed his hand But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'


The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'


Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.


On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'


Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.



Lesson 3:


A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.


They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'


'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'

Puff! She's gone.


'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'


Puff! He's gone.


'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.


The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'



Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.


Lesson 4


An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.


A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'

The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'


So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.


Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.



Lesson 5


A turkey was chatting with a bull.


'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'


'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'


The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.


The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.


Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.


He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.


Moral of the story:

Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..




Lesson 6



A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.


While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.


As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.


The dung was actually thawing him out!


He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.


A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.


Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.



Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.


(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your

friend.


(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!



THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE
G


Send this to at least five bright, funny people you know and make their day!

Bartender as a Psychiatrist

Ever since Rob was a child, he had a fear of someone under his bed at night. So he went to a Psychiatrist and told him, "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it.  I'm scared.  I think I'm going crazy."
 
"Just put yourself in my hands for one year", said the psychiatrist. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears."
 
"How much do you charge?"
 
'Eighty dollars per visit,' replied the doctor.    
 
'I'll sleep on it and if needed I will come back to you,' Rob said.
 
Six months later he met the Psychiatrist on the street.    
 
'Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?' he asked.  
 
'Well, eighty bucks a visit three times a week for a year is an awful lot of money! A bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new SUV".  
 
'Is that so!' With a bit of an attitude he said, 'and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?'  
 
'He told me to cut the legs off the bed - ain't nobody under there now!
 
FORGET THOSE PSYCHIATRISTS.. GO HAVE A DRINK &  TALK TO YOUR BARTENDER.  There is always another way to solve a problem.

Completed Vs Finished

English Vinglish

Can any one tell the difference between 'Completed' and 'Finished'?

No dictionary has ever been able to define the difference between 'Complete' and 'Finished.'

However, in a linguistic conference, held in London England, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clever winner.

His final challenge was this. Some say there is no difference between 'Complete' and 'Finished.' Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.

His response was: When you marry the right woman, you are 'Complete.' If you marry the wrong woman, you are 'Finished.' And , when the right woman catches you with the wrong woman, you are 'Completely Finished.'

His answer received a five minute standing ovation

Effect of in-laws

An older gentleman was on the operating table awaiting a complicated surgery on him and.....

he insisted that his son-in-law, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.

As he was about to get the anaesthesia, he spoke to his son-in-law.

'Yes, Dad, what is it?'

'Don't be nervous son; do your best and just remember, if something happens to me.........

........your mother in law will come and live with you.'

The surgery was a great success....

What management decides is decided

There was a king he had 10 wild dogs...
He used them to torture and eat all ministers who made mistakes.

So one of the minister’s once gave an opinion which was wrong, and which the king didn’t like at all…
So he ordered that the minister to be thrown to the dogs.

So the minister said,
"I served you 10 years and you do this..?

Please give me 10 days before you throw me in with those dogs!
So the king agreed…

In those 10 days the minister went to the guard that was guarding the dogs and told him he wants to serve the dogs for the next 10 days…

The guard was baffled…
But he agreed…
So the minister started feeding the dogs, cleaning for them, washing them, providing all sorts of comfort for them.

So when the 10 days were up…

The king ordered that the minister be thrown in to the dogs for his punishment.

But when he was thrown in,

Everyone was amazed at what they saw..
They saw the dogs licking the feet of the minister!

So the king baffled at what he saw… Said:” what happened to the dog. !!!”

The minister then said;”
I served the dogs for 10 days and they didn’t forget my service…
Yet I served you for 10 years and you forgot all at the first mistake!”…

So the king realised his mistake

and
















Got crocodiles instead

Moral : What management decided is decided..

Heights!

Heights!!

Height of brand obsession
In Kerala, a South Indian walking by the hills suddenly saw a sheep  & screamed.."aiyo Murugan Monte Carlo"

Another Height of Brand obsession
In Bhatinda, a fashionable Punjaban walking by the river suddenly saw a crocodile & screamed..
"Hai Rabba, Lacoste"

Height of Fashion
Lungi with a zip.

Height of Laziness
Asking lift for morning walk.

Height of Craziness
Get blank paper xerox.

Height of Honesty
Pregnant woman taking 2 tickets.


Height of de-hydration
Cow giving milk powder.

Height of Hope
A 99 yr. Old woman going for 295/-recharge to get lifetime incoming.

Height of Stupidity
Looking through key hole of a glass door.

Height of Suicide Attempt
A dwarf jumps from the footpath on the road.

Height of friendship
It's when your friend runs away with your wife ....
And you are really worried for your friend !!

 Height of Attitude
A Sleeping Beggar puts a Notice Board in front of Him..
Please Do not make noise by dropping coins!!
Use Currency notes.

Height Of Work Pressure
An Employee Opens His Tiffin Box On The Road Side To See,Whether He Is Going To office, Or Coming Back From office.

Height of Free Time
You are reading the whole message

How God balances the world?

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven , God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. 

He inquired "Where have you been?"

God took a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made !" 

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance." 

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor.

Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people,"

God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."  

The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a triangular land mass and said, "What's that one?"

"AAAAH," said God. "That's India, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful beaches, mountains, streams, hills, waterfalls and vineyards.

The people from India are going to be very beautiful, handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world holding good jobs. They will be sociable, hardworking, high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace, play cricket and win world cups. Their knowledge and wisdom will be appreciated and exported to far places."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance".

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the clowns that run their government !"

Communication after Death

एक महिला को मुंबई
में नौकरी मिल गई।
.
वह अकेली ही नौकरी ज्वाइन करने
पहुंची,
वहां कंपनी ने उसे रहने के लिए एक
फ्लैट
भीदेदिया।
.
महिला ने सोचा कि अपने
पति को सूचना दे दूं
ताकि उन्हें चिंता न हो, उसने पति के
लिए
मोबाइल में एसएमएस लिखा परन्तु
गलती से
गलत नंबर पर भेज दिया।
.
जिस आदमी को वह एसएमएस
मिला उसकी पत्नी गुजर गई थी और
वह
अभी-अभी अंतिम संस्कार करके
लौटा था।
.
एसएमएस पढ़ते ही वह आदमी बेहोश
हो गया और उसे अस्पताल में
भर्ती कराना पड़ा।
.
एसएमएस में लिखा था -
.
 मैं सही-सलामत पहुंच गई हूं
और
यहां रहने के लिए अच्छी जगह
भी मिल
गई
है.....
.
आप बिलकुल चिंता मत करना बस
1-2
दो दिन में ही आपको भी बुला लूंगी।
.
.
आपकी पत्नी ........

अकेले ही हँसोगे या दोस्तों को भी हँसाओगे तो फॉरवर्ड करिए।

Dependents of Income Tax

Blast of the day:
Best Answer given by an Indian Citizen:-

My Income Tax return form has been sent back because, In response to a question for 'Number of Dependents on you?',  I replied :---
"65% of population who doesn't pay taxes, 21 million illegal immigrants, 9,00,000 criminals in over 1382 prisons and above all 544+ MPs in parliament"and 4000 MLA's of states.

They said, this is not an acceptable answer.

I am still wondering..... Who the hell did I miss out!!.

Punjabi "Beer" Names

Names of most Punjabi boys are based on Beer fundamentals..
Sample these names :
1. A guy who drinks beer with his team???
Dalbeer !!!

2. A guy who drinks beer with his family???
Kulbeer !!!

3. A guy who religiously drinks beer???
Dharambeer !!!

4. A guy who drinks beer for happiness & satisfaction???
Sukhbeer !!!

5. A guy who drinks beer only on Saturday ???
Satbeer!!!

6. A guy who drinks only beer???
Jasbeer !!!

7. A guy who drinks beer while running???
Ranbeer !!!

8 A guy who drinks beer in his workplace ???
Karambeer !!!

9. A guy one who drinks the most beer???
Parambeer !!!

10. Finally... A guy who drinks beer for strength???
Balbeer !!!

Dangerous Beverage

Friends, please avoid drinking coffee... I have discovered that this seemingly harmless beverage can make people really aggressive ...

Last night My friend had 8 pegs and some beer at the pub, while his wife had just one cup of coffee at home...

You should have seen how violently angry she was when he got home... 

Alia Bhatt's solution to Hardik Patel on Reservation

Alia Bhatt has advised the Patels that if they don't get reservation,
.
.
then they should try in TATKAL.